Chapter Three

Chapter Three.

Forgive me for all I have done.

I had been situated in Bath no longer than a week before I had decided that my inferior position had accompanied me on the trip. I’d seen little of the town and nothing of the country. Mr Greenwood only once accompanied Mrs Greenwood and I to the pump-room for afternoon tea. I had not really taken to the activity, though Mrs Greenwood constantly reminded me that it was not proper to dismiss one’s duty to society.

‘How will you meet eligible men indoors Miss Mooreson?’ she would admonish, ‘need I remind you that we have kindly brought you here to introduce you to civilised society’.

How did she expect me to enter into such society with my lack of intellect? What was I to say? I already felt the fool in my dowdy gowns whilst beautiful women circulated around the room in their elegant attire. I was sure that I was scorned and pitied by every set of eyes in Bath.

To do this day I can still feel the humiliation of the naive, inept and inexperienced little girl yearning for social acceptance. I knew that I had to establish myself as a respectable and intriguing woman if I were to be accepted into society. I saw only one way to do this. It was no longer a desire to belong but an absolute necessity. I was in turmoil. My loyalty to the Greenwood’s contradicted my need for self-worth. If I truly were to establish myself as an object of desire for possible suitors, I knew that my appearance would have to change. I know that my actions will be judged in the afterlife, but the lord is forgiving. He will see. The lord will see that my actions were justified. If I had not sinned, I could not have flourished. I would not have fulfilled the life plan he crafted for me and I would not have been blessed with my baby Jack. See, it was all for Jack. Everything is always for Jack. Where is he? Where is my baby? If I confess my sins, he will be with me. He will be with me again.

As the second week of my time in Bath began, I found that I could not hide from my inadequacy and made the decision that I would address the problem that very morning before breakfast. I made my excuses- I had told Mrs Greenwood I was feeling unwell and felt the air would help- and hastily made my way towards the town with great anticipation. A delicate mist lay across the streets and an eerie silence hung across the rooftops. The town was devoid of life as its residents reluctantly prepared to face the week ahead. I knew my location, a small boutique I’d spotted on my first visit to the town and headed straight to the door. Excitement, anticipation and fear ran through me. I’d like to say that I considered turning back. Changing my mind and making the right decision. I knew what I needed to do and I had come too far to reconsider. If I were to become the woman I wanted to be, this had to be done. Besides a sin for the good, was surely not a sin at all. Would you condemn a man for taking an extra slice of bread at lunch to feed his starving children? It would be wrong to criticise a woman telling a small lie and taking the blame to save her baby from a beating. I saw my actions as nothing worse than this. I was doing what I had to do to be accepted.

I’d made my choice as soon as I entered the boutique; a small pink satin hat with a white lace trim. Carefully removing the hat from the stand I looked around for observers. The shop was empty and I could not help but think that this was meant to happen. I would be free from accusation, no-one had seen me enter the boutique and besides, who would suppose a vicar’s daughter capable of stealing. For once my position as inferior served me well. I was not well known in Bath but those in my acquaintance knew me as nothing more than the innocent Shoreditch girl, daughter of Vicar Mooreson and ward of the respectable Greenwoods. With the hat concealed in my overcoat, I made my way to the exit foolishly preoccupied in the excitement the escapade instigated. I knew that I had been successful; the hat was mine and with it came so much possibility. Pushing the door just enough to squeeze my petite frame throughout without damaging my prize; I reversed into the street and straight into a nightmare. Turning to apologise to the unknown figure, I noticed the hat lying on the ground soiled by mud.

‘No. You idiot!’ I screamed ‘Look what you’ve done. You’ve ruined everything’.

‘You want to learn to hold your tongue young lady. That is no way to speak to a gentleman’

I was interested in his etiquette lessons. I was close to achieving all I’d ever wanted and it had been cruelly snatched from me. I considered running, crying and screaming but I just stood there. Staring at the ground. At the disappointment. Thinking that I had risked everything and achieved nothing. I wanted to hide away from the world and longed to be back in the security of the vicarage with my father’s arms around me. Everything had changed since my mother became ill. She’d selfishly taken my father from me and it was her doing that had led me to where I was. Anger overflowed inside me. I snatched up the hat from the floor, sighed and began to move in the direction of return to the Greenwood’s.

‘Pity, your father would be so disappointed to think you’re a thief, Christina’ the accuser bellowed after me.

‘How do you…’

I turned to confront my enemy and was greeted by a face I had become too familiarly acquainted with for all the wrong reasons. A face that had appeared in my life at the most critical time and the face that would follow me until the end of my days.

Mr Richard Lay.

The doctor.

The doctor will come. The doctor has taken everything from me. Where is my doctor now? With my mother. My father. Jack. The doctor is with my family. We will all be a family. All of us and the doctor. I will tell them Jack. I will tell them about the doctor.

‘Mr Lay. I didn’t expect to see you here. It’s not what it looks like, I promise’ I pleaded.

‘Really Christina? Because it appears that you have not paid for that hat’

‘I.. I. Oh please don’t tell my father Mr Lay. I didn’t mean any harm by it’

‘Mr Mooreson really should hear about this Christina. It is wrong to steal’ Mr Lay preached.

‘I know. I will never do it again. Please. I will do anything you ask, just don’t tell my father’.

Mr Lay looked at me inquisitively. It seemed he was enjoying watching me plead for his help. I was desperate, afraid and consequently vulnerable. With his thumb and index finger, the doctor smoothed over his moustache in a repetitive motion. After some time of silence and thought, he reached into his pocket, withdrew two papers and handed them to me.

‘Follow these instructions precisely’ Mr Lay began

‘You are to go back into this boutique and pay for the hat you have taken. Tell the owner that Doctor Richard Lay has a patient that desired the hat and ordered it for delivery. You, being a helpful and kind young lady agreed to collect and return the hat with the understanding it had been paid for. Upon return, you met with me and I informed you my patient is currently suffering with memory loss and the hat had not in fact been paid for. Therefore you have returned to pay the full cost.’

I felt so indebted to him for his understanding. It was difficult to believe that he cared about my reputation. As I reached the door, I turned just in time to see Mr Lay clearing his throat and adding one final request to his speech

‘Oh and Christina… buy yourself another hat. It would be a shame to waste all your effort. Besides I am sure you will look very pretty in one’ before heading off downtown in the direction of the Pump-room.

What did he mean by complimenting me? Was it possible that any man was that agreeable? I had not experienced this side of Mr Lay before. The only attention I’d previously received resulted in a beating from my father. I followed his instructions precisely, returning the original hat and money and selecting a blue replacement for myself to wear to tea that afternoon. When Mrs Greenwood questioned me on where I had found the money to purchase the hat, I simply replied ‘a gentleman brought it for me Mrs Greenwood’, for even she could not argue with that. I wore the hat to tea, to the Pump-room, on city walks and even on occasion to church. Mr Lay had given me the confidence and means I needed to become a true gentle woman in Bath.

I had not considered what Richard’s attendance in Bath had meant for my family. For a while I had forgotten that he had been charged with the care of my mother whilst she was unwell. It was not until my return to the vicarage that I heard of the death of my mother whilst I was away. Richard would have known, of course, yet his egotistic nature had not felt I needed to know this. For twenty years he would not accept that this act was cruel and inconsiderate. To allow me to continue in Bath with no knowledge of the loss of my mother. To sit back and watch me indulge in dances and galas whilst my father was at home alone overcome with grief. He would argue that he was protecting me from the pain. I know this was not the case. Now I know it was for his own selfish needs. For how could he seize my attention and ensnare me if I were engaged elsewhere? I will never forgive him for his heartless conquest.

It had been a week since my encounter with Mr Lay at the hat boutique and my affection for him had grown from mild interest to almost obsession. I would constantly ask if anyone had heard from or seen him around Bath and when I had heard there was a possibility he had retired from his lodgings in Bath to return to work, I admit I felt disappointed and abandoned. I longed so very much to see him, even just once and on my final scheduled night in Bath, my desire came true. I was saddened that my time in society had come to an end and on this particular night had not felt that attending the gala at the great halls was of much interest. Mrs Greenwood, however, insisted that we attend one final time to ‘wish our acquaintances good health’. I selected my finest gown, a white velvet evening gown with a lace trim, and made a particular effort to tie my hair with my favourite silk ribbons. Mrs Greenwood said that I looked ‘quite a beauty’, though I felt rather the opposite. Upon entering the gala hall I immediately spotted Mr Lay across the room dressed in a black silk waistcoat and accompanying blazer. I was overwhelmed with how handsome he looked and forgetting all polite manner, hastily made my way across the room in his direction. I did not know what I would say when I arrived by his side; in fact, I fear I did not mind if we stood there in silence. As I approached Mr Lay and his companion appeared to be talking excitedly and just seconds before I had anticipated that we would be reunited, Mr Lay turned around and smiled in my direction resulting in a nervous outbreak of nausea. I returned the smile and continued in his direction just as a petite blonde woman took him by the arm and delicately kissed him on the cheek. Mr Lay, now occupied by some other woman immediately turned to return the affection and taking her by the hand led the way to the dance floor. I could not understand the meaning of the slight. Had he forgotten our encounter the previous week and what was the meaning of his secrecy? Not a word had been heard about his engagement to this mysterious woman. I would not be ignored. I would not be replaced by some whore. I would make it known to Richard and to everybody in attendance that I was a respectable young lady and I did not deserve to be disregarded. Richard would see that he had made the wrong decision in refusing me.